Adult Children Moving Back In? Think BOUNDARIES!
Adult Children Moving Back In?
Many of my friends are finding their adult children moving back in with them. I’m not talking about one person I know, but MANY! The debt issue is consuming many young adults as some have made unwise choices, their marriages are ending, loss of jobs and even some are unable to find work after completing college with a fantastic degree. The choice is always up to you about their living at home again, but you should begin your ‘adventure’ with boundaries.
Maybe this is your frog to eat for the day. Don’t know what I’m referring to? My last blog sent you to find out what the whole, ‘Eat the Frog’ idea was. It’s those things in your life or your day that you really don’t want to do. You know, maybe if you ‘don’t look’ it will all go away. This posting will be about something that speaks to different generations…the older and the younger adults.
The Number One Issue!
The heads of the household, Father and Mother, need to agree on whether the children are living with them again. Dividing the house right away with non-agreement only leads to continual conflict in all directions.
Requirements?
What would be on your requirements list? Money…. which is probably the main reason they came to live with you. When you were raising your children, did you teach them to ‘pitch in’ and help? Think about who is paying for the rent, the power, water, food supplies? If they are there trying to SAVE money, then the best way they can save is appreciate what they are receiving by contributing. If their added burden is draining your finances, they need to be givers with their finances first before saving for themselves.
Our daughter and her husband and first child came to live with us at our request. Yes, our request. We saw the need for them to establish a ‘nest egg’ and be able to afford a home by not paying rent to a landlord. They were included in contributing into the power and food. We live in the country, so water was provided. We really didn’t need help on the rent, so this is where they were able to put money aside for their own home.
She and I would take turns cooking and cleaning. There was no need for just me to do both…it was necessary for us to share. This is how she was raised. Her husband was a huge help to mine with outside jobs. We all worked hard at relationships and managed to last a year. But that year was DESIGNATED as ending at a certain point so we could all get back to our lives and they would see their goal accomplished. A few years later they lived with us again (by invitation) so they could save a little more after the sale of their first home. This time it was with two grandchildren. It was wonderful to have them here….but we were all ready for a change at the completion of their new home! You see, even if you do have a measure of ‘everyone getting along’, it’s still hard on all the parties living together.
Then there was the time our oldest son moved back in. He had the same requirements to help. At that time I was re-painting the kitchen cabinets. He came downstairs with painting coveralls on, stood in the kitchen entry, and said, “What can I do to make your dream come true?” I never even had to ask him, he just ‘pitched in’. I admit it…I’m proud of my children!
What’s Your List Include?
So far the list has: helping with rent, power, water and food. It also includes: cooking the food, cleaning the house, even outside chores like mowing, weeding, or garbage to the curb. Another item on the list is: a designated time for the young adults to leave and go out on their own again. These are just suggestions for your boundaries to establish with your boarders.
This posting is not meant to cover all areas of an adult child moving back in to your home. It’s meant to be a ‘springboard’ to action. Think about what you’re doing, be in agreement with your spouse, love them while you’re all under one roof, but DEFINTELY draw the boundary lines so everyone can live in peace.
Do you have any ideas for adult children moving in? Would you ever ask them to leave? Post a comment for me here. I’d love to hear your side of the boundary line!
You're SOOOO right, Donna! Wish we had done that when my husband's son moved in with us with his teenage son and college age daughter. He had just retired from the service and couldn't find a job. We said "just until you can find a job and get on your feet". Ha! After over a year, he finally found a job that paid very poorly. He never once paid any rent (though we asked several times – he said he couldn't) or helped with any of the bills (except twice he contributed some towards especially high utilitiy bills), or any of the work around the house. His buddy finally found him a job in another state across the country, and after almost 3 1/2 years, he moved out. Now, 3 1/2 years later, we are still getting bill collectors that call looking for him.
Just thinking about family living with you before you let them move in is emotionally draining. All the feelings that come up; the desire to help them succeed, to give them a 'leg up' or just to love on them.
Before they move in is the PERFECT time to sit down and lay out the boundaries! Even just agreeing with a spouse, not just giving in to the spouse to let them live with you…that's either a 'fight-starter' or a 'team-builder' for your husband/wife relationship.
I think the title for this posting could even have been, Think Beyond Your Emotions! Thanks for leaving your comment. It may help someone!
Thanks for your comment on Dawn Stephens' Little Pot post at my blog, Donna!
You are right. rules need to be set. I know too many people who are allowing their adult children to slack off for years. This is simply enabling lazy behavior.
In biblical days, families often all lived under one roof, but each had to pull their weight.
You're so welcome Sheryl. As for adult children living with the parents again…it will be interesting to see the behavior of their children in the years to come. Thank you for your comment.
It's tough on everyone involved when adult children move home or stay at home — the adult kids, the parents, any younger kids living at home, and especially step-parents, if there are any. It's becoming a more and more common problem, and communication and planning are the most important ways to keep the situation livable for everyone.
You are so right, Christina! Communication and planning are the underpinnings for everyone involved. From the adult children's perspective it's also 'hairy'.
Often they wait for the parents to say what they want. If you have parents that don't communicate with you well, there will be much conflict as the parents feel taken advantage of, or that the children don't love them enough to at least do___________ without being told to do it.
Unless we have the 'super-ability' of mind reading, we'd all better increase our 'communication-abilities'!