How’d I Get Like This..A Look at How Boundaries Develop
"Mom and me are the SAME!" Me having boundaries built in by my mother
I don’t know about you but
I’ve always been interested in how I became who I am. There are so many things in my life that I do repeatedly that frustrate me. I figured if I could understand them, it would be easier to stand up and change.
Over time as a Christian I’ve come to know that the Holy Spirit is in me to be my Helper. Once I know what is wrong, I lean on the Helper to ‘help‘ in changing me. Otherwise I’m repeating the same negative things over and over again. Or I might not know what the problem is, but the Holy Spirit will show me through many different means so I’ll understand and desire change. Confused?
Translation: I see the problem and understand the problem. I know I can’t change apart from Him helping me. In this ‘system‘ I can change because the problem has been identified and I’m committed to cooperating with the Holy Spirit in me. Proverbs 3:5-6 speaks to this beautifully, “Trust in the Lord with all of your might, lean not to your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all of your ways, He will make your path straight.”
Does a problem ignored EVER go away?
As a Christian, when we’ve come to a point in our life where we say, “How did I get like this?“, it’s because the continuing work of Cross is stirring in me (Thank you, Becky at Happy Christian Home for this phrase). I can pay attention or block it out hoping it will go away.
Boundaries Are Not Inherited..Boundaries Are Built In
The crucial time to have boundaries built into us is in childhood in our very early years when character is formed. Proverbs 22:6 “…train a child in the way he/she should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” A misunderstanding of “the way he should go” would be us as parents deciding how the child should go. It’s actually, “the way God has planned for them to go” or the Amplified translation: “(and in keeping with his individual gift or bent)” which is God-given. We might have the idea of ‘the perfect child’, but we are to partner in helping our children discover what God intended for them to be.
Stages in Boundary Development
- BONDING: A foundation is layed
- SEPARATION and INDIVIDUATION: Your Little One Under Construction
Under Separation you’ll find:
- “Mommy and me are the SAME!” (Mom and baby are ONE)
- “I can do ANYTHING!” (pushing away from Mom)
- “I can’t do everything.” (realizing they still need Mom)
Don’t let the technical terms put you off. I’ll explain each one, but it will spill over into another posting. Let’s take up the first and search it out.
Bonding: The Foundation of Boundary Building
The nature of God is love and we are to be in a relationship with Him. God is love and love means relationship. We also need to be in relationship with other people because we were built for a connectedness. We all need to be secure in that we are loved.
When a baby comes into this world, it needs to know it is welcome and safe. Bonding with your baby is Mom and Dad providing a consistent, warm, loving and predictable (emotional) place for baby. Mom and baby become attached and mom shows baby an attachment to the world (through her). Dad can also provide this or a caregiver.
How Does This Happen?
Mom responds to the baby’s need for closeness with holding, food, diaper changing…baby needs, Mom responds…baby gets an emotional picture of constant loving mom. Have you heard of ‘separation anxiety’ in a baby? It’s during this stage that baby so identifies with mom, that baby thinks, ” Mom and me are the same.” Baby panics when mom’s not around and no one can console him.
All the experiences of mom ‘being there, being constant’ give baby a sense of belonging and safety. This is the foundation time for that deep sense of security being built in.
Example of ‘Something Going Wrong’ At This Stage
Consider the babies we’ve heard about that grow up in orphanages where there is not enough staff. We’ve all heard about how babies are left in their cribs for hours at a time while they are awake. The caregivers are not around to comfort the babies by holding them, changing diapers, showing them the world like a mother would. Babies begin to bang their heads on the crib bars, constantly cry or just sit with a vacant look in their eyes. These babies don’t grow physically; are slower in physical and mental responses. They miss out on the constant and consistent love and security from moms, dads or a caregiver.
What do you think about this basic need in building good boundaries? Hogwash or helpful?
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Oh, I think it’s absolutely vital! Baby cries, baby needs mom to comfort, etc…mom responds. It’s absolutely necessary in building trust. God treats us the same way. We cry out, He answers. We become more trusting in God to meet our needs. In the case of a mother and child, moms loving response leads to (eventually as the child grows) loving obedience from the child. I guess when I think about parenting, I think about how God treats me.
Cute picture, by the way! 🙂
Becky, Your thoughts on parenting are full of wisdom. When you wrote,”When I think about parenting, I think about how God treats me.” It reminds me of the scripture where we are to “copy Him like dear little children”.
What a helpful post. It’s tough as a “newer” mom to navigate the waters of parenthood and Biblical parenting. Some books and some churches teach that the “training” is simply teaching obedience and involves spanking every single time. A friend of mine even told me that as SOON as his little one exerted her will against him (such as arching her back on the changing table), she got a swat so she would learn how to be submissive ultimately to God. At the time, when I was childless, that sounded like wisdom. Boy, do things look differently from this side of parenting!
I love how you clarify that the training is for the way God planned for them to go. Just like our salvation isn’t about following a set of rules, parenting looks quite different from family to family based on the skills/demeanor God has given the parents as well as the temperments/gifts of the children.
That makes me think. We are all created in His image. If we were similar enough to be able to have a one-size-fits-all parenting model, we would have quite a small God! His vastness is visible in the diversity in His people.
Ok – sorry to hog your comment space! I got carried away!
Audra recently posted..Motivation Monday- I’m Not Alone
Wow,Audra!
I’m thinking you should make a posting out of your comment. It was beautifully worded, well thought out and causes one to really look at how they see God as their parenting model. I like your phrase, “His vastness is visible in the diversity in His people.”
Unfortunately people do tend to accept the advice of those they admire. Even my thoughts and advice are not to be taken without holding it up to the Word of God to see if it measures up to His truth.
I knew someone who was having mouthy teenage boy trouble. They talked to an admired godly man and came away with, “You have to knock your kid with your fist and make them obey you.”
Later on the one seeking advice found that the advice came from someone who was a Christian, but they beat their wife and children physically. Divorce ensued and his children cut him off when they were able to.
I’d love to read your posting you make out the comment! Give it a go!
Happy Mothers Day to all of the wonderful mothers in the World! Tomorrow is Mothering Sunday and I know that even though it is celebrated on a different date depending on where you are located, I still want to greet all mothers on this day!
Thank you for your kind words for mothers everywhere!