Are You Hatching a Baby…Boundaries and Baby
"Hatching" from Mom The toy is more interesting!
You’re enjoying the closeness of you and your baby,
the smooth skin you place tender kisses upon, and their open arms reaching towards you. One day you wake up and they push you away. Baby doesn’t want you to hold them so much anymore and may even be more interested in other people than you! It’s universal, Mommies. This day was planned into their life by a plan greater than yours. A switch has been flipped! This will become more evident from their first year to their third year. Baby is becoming an individual.
It happened to me very noticeably with my last child. He was close to me for eight months and poof! It was like an overnight change that I was not prepared for. The only way he’d let me hold him was with him sitting on my lap, his back to me and occupied with a toy. That’s why this photo of me holding him as he closes in on age 3 is special.
The Plan for Separation Goes into Effect Without Your Okay
You did a great job of making your baby feel safe and attached…now comes their need to be independent.
“Child experts call this separation and individuation. “Separation” refers to child’s need to perceive herself or himself as distinct from mother, a “not me” experience. “Individuation describes the identity the child the child develops while “separating” from Mother. It’s a “me” experience.” from the book, Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend
The First Phase…..Hatching!
There are three phases that occur during this time. These phases are critical to developing healthy boundaries in your baby.
- Hatching: “Mommy and Me Aren’t the Same” Have you noticed your baby is wigglier and doesn’t want to be held as much? Your baby is going from ‘mommy and me are the same’ to ‘mommy and me aren’t the same’. They had a passive closeness to you and now they’re going into an active interest in the world. Your baby is ‘hatching’ into a great explorer of everything!
Information for you, Mom, is:
“It’s especially hard for women who have never really ‘hatched’ themselves. They long for nothing but closeness, neediness and a dependency from their baby. (Disclaimer here…this is a quote from the author) These women often conceive lots of children or find lots of ways to spend time with very young infants. They often don’t enjoy the ‘seperating’ part of mothering. They don’t like the distance between themselves and baby. It’s a painful boundary for Mother but a necessary one for child.” from the book, Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend
There are moms online who blog about the sadness they feel with their baby pushing away from them. My best advice; let your child grow how God made them to grow. They must seperate from you to become a whole human being. Put your needs aside and go to God Who can get you through this tough time if you look to Him for help.
What do you think about this step of your baby’s ‘hatching’? Your comments…short and long… always add to our community. Leave them for all of us to read!
I think it’s much easier if you know it’s coming (like with any stage of development). I found the quote from the book to be pretty interesting. (About how some women conceive lots of children or find ways to be around infants). Not saying I relate to that necessarily, but see that at work in some people I know. Looks like an interesting book!
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All of this is easier if we know what’s coming. I would have loved it if someone had taken the time to explain establishing boundaries in our children to me. What’s even more important is understanding enough of this to make it a part of our life, and our children’s life.
The reason I put it in as a quote with a disclaimer was so women with many children would not think I was dissing them. I understand where the quote was coming from as my mother took in numerous foster babies from day 3 of birth until they were toddlers. They would then be adopted out. She was super with the babies, but like the book says, when it came time for that separating (hatching), she would push them over to me (the teen in the home) to take care of while she brought in another baby.
The book is worth it. There’s also Boundaries for Kids.
I knew you weren’t dissing moms w/many children. I just know certain individuals for whom that seems to be true. I think parenting for any individual is almost therapeutic. In my experience, it has revealed a lot of areas of weakness, and I think on another note, helps us to become more spiritually mature.
Your mom’s example is pretty interesting!
I have found it really helpful to read parenting books. I get to learn what’s developmentally appropriate and how to deal with it, rather than thinking I’m doing something wrong.
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Hi, Becky,
My sister was here the the weekend and we discussed Mom and her foster babies. She had also noticed Mom kept taking in more of the newborns constantly for all the years we were home. When they wouldn’t let her take in the foster babies, she started watching other people’s babies.
Parenting books can be very useful. Good for you checking ahead in the books! Better to be prepared than ‘blown away’!
I struggled with the “hatching” with Buggy, but the postpartum depression didn’t make ANYTHING easy at that time! Scrunchie is torn between being “one with his mommy” and being completely on his own. His switch flips back and forth through out the day and night.
I agree with Becky – knowing what is coming up certainly helps! Realizing that God has something more for all of us than just snuggles and cuddles helps. While those cuddles are precious, the next stage is fantastic too! I know there are parts about each age that are difficult (I did teach public school for 9 years!), but there is something AMAZING about each age that we need to celebrate and enjoy!
Audra,
Your’s and Becky’s thoughts on knowing what’s ahead and realizing ‘the next stage is fantastic too’, is an eye-opener for many mothers reading these comments.
I’d add one more thing about not beating ourselves up if we didn’t do something right or being afraid to make any mistakes.
We do make mistakes, but I believe there is time for change before they are completely grown up. There are no ‘perfect mommies’ and there will never be any ‘perfect mommies’…just mommies that look ahead by reading childhood info, prayerfully make some choices in direction for their children and then putting the changes into effect.
Appreciate your valuable input in the comments here!