Photo Credit Ambro

You’re in a conflict…husband, wife, in-laws. 

 How would you untangle the conflict? You’re feeling angry, frustrated and emotional.  Could there possibly be a way out?

There are different personalities, values and interests.  Even though all this exists, you can still resolve disagreements calmly and effectively.

 Step 1:  What Do You Really Want?

You’ve begun ‘discussing’ how you feel about something and the situation is escalating, voices are raising between you and the other person.  Stop the conversation, let them know you want to work things out and set up a time for another discussion.  You’re going to need time to figure out what you want to happen in the end.  Just yelling at the other party will not accomplish anything but more arguing.  Writing down your feelings may be just right for you, or talking it through first with a friend may work better. 

When you get emotional you start accusing and blaming.  Keep in mind your real goal.

Step 2:  Gather Information That’s Helpful

You’ve worked on your thoughts, now work on theirs.  You may have been assuming you know what the cause of the other’s feelings for what the problem is all about.  You need information before starting your next discussion.  Let’s say your husband went ballistic because you were out and spent money on clothes.  The way you’ve always reacted might be to go on the defensive and argue your point.  Think further and ask yourself if there might be more going on here.  Ask him what’s happening with the budget.  Is money becoming an issue and funds are less?

Or if you work outside the home and your boss promoted someone else over you and you believed you deserved that promotion, what’s your options?  Go into his/her office and blast them with your anger?  Use this to your advantage…think ahead.  Ask your boss why he/she felt you weren’t right for the position?  Use the information you gain for future career discussions.  Always keep a goal in mind…calm your emotions.

A habit of tuning other people out is problematic.  Work at understanding the other persons position if you want to reach an agreement.

Step 3:  What’s Your Negotiation Process?

So we’re still thinking about that discussion and whom you want to be present, along with when and where it takes place.  The setting you choose will make a difference.  For a boss, choose a conference room rather than the boss’s office.  Or if it’s a family member in your home, don’t choose their bedroom or the kitchen.  If it’s the in-laws, don’t choose either home.   Make your meeting place neutral …it can make a huge difference.

Set the boundaries on name-calling, blaming and accusations.  All parties should decide to keep name-calling, blaming and accusations out of the discussion.  Be sure to have enough time portioned out to let everyone be able to be heard.

This isn’t over yet.  Part 2 will happen Thursday.  How do you untangle conflicts?  Leave your comments here and I’ll see you again for Part 2.

taken from Untangling Any Conflict by Alexandra Kay