Gearin Up to Get an Agent Blogorama
I’m taking a break from regular posting because I’m entered in a blogarama created by Deana Barnhart for writers. My 200 words for the contest are posted here per the instructions:
Second Revision of first 200 words:
Donna Perugini
Genre: Picture Book
Word Count: 1,000
“No! No! No!” Gruber spit sour pie and threw down his fork. “Terrible!” Once again he’d made a pucker-face pie from green berries.
Forest Grubbies like Gruber were the best sweet-berry pie makers. There was one problem.
The forest had become a place where the bushes held tightly to their hard green berries. The sun could not ripen all the berries below because the trees took the sunshine for themselves. Only one bush in the whole forest gave ripe sweet-berries. Not even Gruber could get enough ripe berries to make one sweet-berry pie.
Every day Grubbies pushed and shoved each other to get the best berries. “Gimme!” “Mine!” “No! Mine!” exploded from their lips as they smooshed ripe berries while grabbing from each other’s hands. Instead of sweet-berry pie aroma, the forest was being polluted with the sour smell of pucker-face pie.
Gruber made up his mind. If the only bush was giving enough sweet-berries for one pie each day, then he would dig up the whole bush for himself. He would have one sweet-berry-pie….every day…FOREVER!
It was early morning when all little Grubbies were snoring in their beds. Gruber picked up his tiny bucket, stuffed cookie snacks into his vest pocket, and grabbed the shovel. Today he would get to the bush long before the other Grubbies.
First 200 words:
Donna Perugini
GIMME! NO, MINE!
Picture Book
Word Count 1,000
“No! No! No!” Gruber spit sour pie as he threw down his fork. “Yuck!” Once again he’d made a pucker-face pie from green berries.
Forest Grubbies like Gruber were the best sweet-berry pie bakers. There was one problem. Only one sweet-berry bush in the whole forest gave ripe berries.
Not even Grubber could get enough ripe berries to make one sweet-berry pie. Grubbies pushed and shoved each other to get berries. “Gimme!” “Mine!” “No! Mine!” exploded from their lips as they smooshed the berries while grabbing from each other’s hands. Instead of sweet-berry pie aroma, the forest was being polluted with the sour smell of green berry pucker-face pie.
Gruber made up his mind. If the only bush was giving enough sweet-berries for one pie each day, then he would dig up the whole bush for himself. He would have one sweet-berry-pie….every day…FOREVER!
It was early morning when all little Grubbies were snoring in their beds. Gruber picked up his tiny bucket, stuffed cookie snacks into his vest pocket, and grabbed the shovel. Today he would get to the bush long before the other Grubbies.
That’s 200 words!
And if you’re curious about the contest, here are the rules I’m following:
1) Post the first 200 words (please finish the sentence even if it is past 200 words) of your novel or picture book on your blog. (Any genre can join in the initial crit hop but only young adult, middle grade and picture book can be a part of the final contest. This is because agent Kathleen Rushall, who is also one of the judges of this contest is only looking for those types of books. So sorry everyone else.)
2) Once you post, sign up with the link of your post on the linky below.
3) Hop around other participants blogs and give them helpful advice on their first 200 words.
4) If you have a completed young adult, middle grade or picture book manuscript by Tuesday 3PM ET please email me the first 200 words at deanabarnhart@gmail.com for a shot at the contest. (This can be pasted into the body of the email. It doesn’t have to be an attachment.
NOTE: When I say completed this is strictly a guideline. It is up to you whether or not you really do this. Just remember that Kathleen is an agent and if she loves your work she may very well ask for more from you.
5) The format for entries should look like this:
Your name
6) Eight judges will choose 10 finalists by Wednesday 7/27/11
7) Agent Kathleen Rushall of Marsal Lyon Literary Agency will first pick her winner, then writer with and agent, Monica B.W. will pick hers.
8) The winners will be chosen by Friday 7/29/11.
Kathleen’s winner will win a query and first 30 page critique from her,
Monica’s winner will win a first 10 page critique from her.
To get your excitement bubbling, here is part 1 of an interview I did with Kathleen a few weeks back (I will post a brand new part 2 Wednesday), and HERE is the interview I did with Monica.
I’ll be back to regular posting soon! Keep cool for the midwest USA or pray for sunshine for the Pacific NW!
Hi, Donna,
I like the idea of showing young readers the consequences of being greedy. I’d recommend cutting out the filler words and seeing what you have left, e.g. “was spitting” could become “spit.” Good luck!
P.S. I’m a new follower. 🙂
Michelle,
Super to have your comment! I’ll take your advice and make the changes. I appreciate the follow!
Oh my goodness! Could this be any more adorable? You had me at the start, something about sweet-berry pies makes me happy. The only thing that stood out was the line, “Forest Grubbies like Gruber were the best sweet-berry pies bakers.” I think it should be pie, not pies.
I appreciate the moral of the story, sharing is a lesson my own children could stand to learn. (I’d love to read this to my 2 y/o and 4 y/o)
Hi, Lindy!
I came back and find quite a few mistakes on my posting! Thanks for your comment…I took care of immediately.
I’m glad to see that the story hit where I aimed in age. I’d also add a recipe for Grubbie Berry Pie at the end of the book.
Glad to find your blog, I’m a new follower! First of all, I love picture books. I have a few sitting in my computer waiting for an agent to love them as I do 🙂
I love the subject and the alliteration. Grubbers just sound greedy! My only comment is the length seems a bit on the long side, but otherwise a great beginning!
Laura,
First, thanks for the follow! And a request…were there any specific lengthy parts or just a general feeling toward the whole 200 words?
I liked it a lot. I’d consider switching the first & second paragraphs. That’s all & good luck:)
Thanks for the input. I did some switching around. Appreciate your taking time to comment!
I loved the voice of the narrator here – it’s strong and shows a definite personality.
I was a little confused about why the character wouldn’t be able to tell the berries weren’t ripe (most berries change colour and get softer). Or why there is only one bush where the berries ripen–or does he mean there is only one bush in the forest? I’m sure these points wouldn’t matter to a kid, its my adult logic kicking in. They certainly don’t affect the world of the story.
I like the phrase “pucker-face pie from green berries” but it seems repetitive, since your character has already reacted to the sour pie.
I loved the Grubber’s idea of stealing the whole bush…I can see trouble ahead! I’d definitely keep reading.
Andrea,
Your comment made me remember I’d cut so much from the story, it lost out on explanations. I cut some words to not be repetitive. Good eye! Thanks for the comments.
So cute! I have a little girl who is just starting to read and I’m absolutely certain she’d love this story 🙂 You have some fun words and very creative, adorable premise. Love it.
~K.V. Briar
K.V. Briar recently posted..The first 200 words of Smolder 🙂
K.V.,
Good to hear what moms think! Thanks for stopping by to comment. 🙂
Donna, this story sounds adorable, and thank you so much for your great advice on my blog. I only have one teensy, tiny microscopic change that’s so minor I almost don’t want to waste your time with it…
“Gruber spit sour pie as he threw down his fork” may sound a little tighter if you said, “Gruber spit sour pie and threw down his fork.” It only saves you one word, but I think it flows a little smoother.
Otherwise, this is so cute! I want to read it with the illustrations! Excellent job!
Lisa,
You’re so funny! You’re right, Picture Book writers are always cutting as many superflous words as possible. I’ll make the change and thank you for leaving the comment!
I was so excited for all your great news about Kai, submitting, winning the query, etc. Girl, you are phenominal!
DonnaPerugini recently posted..Gearin Up to Get an Agent Blogorama
Oh, this is fantastic! I love the description and dialogue. I can just feel the desperation in his emotions/actions. What a way to start a story! Great job, Donna!
It was an interesting day! About 98% of the writers were YA or MG, not PB (picture book). I’d go and read their stories to do mini critiquing and think, ‘they are going to be so bored when they come to my blog and read the kids story’. I’m just grateful for all the critiquing they left.
Thanks for your comments on the story, CK. Who knows, some day the story might see ‘the light of day’.
I’ve enjoy reading your blog, I do like the subject, Grubbers greedy..
Melody,
I’ve had to put the greedy Gruber manuscript in a drawer for awhile….too much revising! Thanks for your feedback on it! Donna