Elderly parents….are they in your life now? 

 You may have to step in and help your parents while you’re raising your own young family.  It’s been said, “I feel like the parent now to my parents”.

It’s interesting how we never think of this as little children.  Grandparents are not our parents.  Everything is in neat little packages; seperated and categorized by our innocent little minds. Grandparents are in this category and parents are in that one…it will always be this way.  When we’re teens, our grandparents are getting older, but we don’t notice.  Being a teen you believe you’ll never die, you’ll always have boundless energy and you know everything!  You hardly noticed when your mother and father had to ‘deal with’ their aging parents. 

Now here you are, you have your children or even newborn and toddler and your mother and father are frail.  They may need help at their home, need to see the doctor more often, take less trips away from home or maybe even forget.  Are you alarmed?  When do you suddenly perceive that mother and father will need to have help or move to a facility? 

My mother was always shielded by my father.  She was in early stages of Alzheimers, but Dad kept us from knowing her condition as we all lived out of state.  Even if you called on the phone, she was always agreeable and just handed him the phone. 

The first time I really noticed something was wrong was when we were traveling through many states ending up in Washington.  We had a planned visit with them and I saw things that were alarming.  After that, we (siblings) all started watching our parents closely and found it was so progressed that we needed to get guardianship papers drawn up so that my father could have guardianship over his wife!  He had not taken the time nor realized that he needed to legally get Power of Attorney when Mom was well (of sound mind).  Sometimes you’ll find that your parents don’t want to deal with these things because it gives their life a certain ‘finality’ and it makes their end all ‘too real’.

When we’re young, it never occurs to us that one day we will be older..frail. We conquer our world, live like a shooting star, and then find we need help going up a ladder. It happens so gradually you hardly notice!  Anytime NOW is a good time to start talking with your parents about what they would like when they’re older.  Ask if they have a will and did they include Power of Attorney for each other.  What are their final wishes for burial.  Try to tuck them nicely into a conversation.  “So and so’s mom and dad said they wanted to be cremated.  How do you feel about that?”

My father balked at some of these questions and said, “It’s not nice to talk to an old guy about those things.”   You may end up going to the attorney with them, helping them make decisions, and end up as the executor of the will. 

If it’s your grandparents, and your parents are out of the picture, you’ll need to ‘step up’ and understand their wants and needs.  When my sister, brother and I made the decision to take mom to the nursing home/Alzheimer’s unit, we had unnerving discussions with my father.  He wanted to keep her at home (like he had been), even though he found he could not keep her in the home.  Without going into detail, understand that some situations are worse than others with elderly parents.  I’ve had friends that took their parent(s) in and their parents’ last days were so good.  It worked out for everyone involved. 

I’m just sayin’…be prepared and communicate while you can.  They loved you, raised you, and cheered you on.  Find out how you can help in their lives as they age.  It may be as simple as cutting their grass, cleaning up the house or taking them grocery shopping.  You’ll never have that time again, use it wisely and with love while they’re still on this earth.  Contrary to popular opinion…there are no re-do’s!

Do you know how your parents want to be buried?  Do they have a living will in case they end up in the hospital?  Have they given Power of Attorney to each other?  Leave your comments at the bottom of this posting…you’ll be helping others.