“Who Keeps Moving That Goal Post?”
Goal posts
I do not like a ‘moving goal’.
One of the obvious ‘goal moving’ techniques is with your baby who is just learning how to walk. How often do we see two parents spread apart from each other as one holds the baby up on her legs and lets her take off, toddling towards the other parent. The goal moving comes in when the parent encouraging baby to walk to them is moving backward causing baby to walk further. I know, I’m being picky, but it’s a truth. We learn how to ‘goal move’ early in life.
Baby
The next phase in the baby’s life is in eating something they don’t want. “Oh, come on, just one more bite”. Then the parent goes on to shovel in every last bite on the plate. (In some homes this continues for years). Is it that I’m not seeing the benefit in the baby being brought to a new level?
The toddler is at the edge of the pool and the parent is calling for them to ‘jump and I’ll catch you’. When the child jumps, the parent moves back forcing the child to either ‘sink or swim’. The goal in the child’s mind was to jump into the parent’s arms. Trust is forsaken.
Adult
How about this, I’m in a boot camp exercise class and the instructor is timing us on holding a position that involves muscles that want to quit. The instructor is calling out the time, encouraging us to keep on holding the position as we are within seconds of making the goal. I know how to count seconds and it’s NOT seconds, but closer to another minute. I thought this was my goal to attain. Yes, they are the instructor, but I’m the one going for the goal that I have in mind. 
I don’t need to be tricked.
Relationships
In relationships you may have heard, “Well, if you change this for me, then everything will be so wonderful between us”. In my own marriage it was, “I know if you quit smoking that everything would be perfect between us”. He quit smoking and funny thing….I moved the goal. The ‘everything is perfect between us’ goal could not be achieved by him or by me.
Who Controls the Goal?
In all the cases above, the people who were involved in pushing or cajoling us toward a different goal line, a goal line beyond what we had decided, all felt they were doing something good for us. They were helping us to achieve beyond what they thought we could imagine. The way I see it, they were controlling the goal and I was dependent upon them telling me if it was reached by me. It’s the old Chinese Proverb in action. “If you give a man a fish, he will eat for the day. If you teach him how to fish, he will eat the rest of his life”. They were giving me a fish, when what I needed was to be taught how to fish.
I’ve spent a good portion of my life depending on other people to tell me when I’ve reached the goal and having the goal changed to meet their definition of the goal. This crosses into all aspects of one’s life, spirit, soul and body. If I turn control of my goal over to another, then it’s not my goal…it’s theirs. If it’s your goal, you determine how much, how far, how long. You know when you’ve reached your goal. You know when your commitment has paid off. You feel the sense of achievement. Why would you turn over your spirit, soul and body to someone else and let them tell you how much, how far, how long for your goal?
Sometimes we don’t know we are involved in ‘goal changing’. We can either be the perpetrator or the receiver. Either way it’s a choice. You can choose to have your goals or choose to give someone else power over your goals (which makes it their goals).
Be Responsible for You
Being responsible for our own actions can free us to reach our goals. I’m not saying don’t get help with your goals…just remember, it’s your goals. When you move from someone else being responsible for your goal to you being responsible for your goal, then you’ll have a more permanent change.
Is there benefit from a moving goal? What do you think about a moving goal? Leave your comment
Donna’s children’s books reach ages preschool to 8 www.DonnaPerugini.com
I think any resentment I have about someone ‘moving the goal’ has a lot to do with whether I perceived the act as an end-goal or a process goal. An example of the former is quitting smoking, the latter learning how to walk.
If someone were to tell me all I had to do is THIS, and then THATed me, I would feel manipulated.
Well put, PV. Your last sentence content would make a catchy headline! “They Said Do THIS and Then THATed Me!
Donna – Happy new year! I am so guilty of moving the goal post over and over again … for my kids, my husband, myself. I think if X is achieved, we’re good. But once we get close to that goal, I raise up the ante and it’s another goal. Can you tell I’m a recovering perfectionist?
I’m trying to learn to let go of scoring the goals and just enjoy the game.
Thank you for sharing.
Perfectionist…interesting observation, Rachel!
A perfectionist is always trying to orchestrate their world around them to bring a perfect peace to their life. Their perfect man-made peace will never bring them satisfaction, just terrible relationships.
I spent a large portion of time controlling things around me…some control worked and some did not. The ‘did nots’ were on my husband’s end. The ‘did’s’ were soon discovered to be manipulation and tossed off by those who had accepted them for a short time. It took a lot of change on my part to understand ‘that peace that passes all understanding’.
Wow, this is so interesting, Donna! I never thought about others making goals for me or me making goals for other people in this way before. But, I think as I’ve come to be an adult, the real, true person who knows me the best and understands my potential and also limitations is God. As long as I make and discuss my goals with him in evening prayer every day, I’m usually doing OK. Its when I Make too lofty goals or come short of what I set for myself and then eat myself up about it without talking it over with the Lord is when I get depressed or down.
Anyway, awesome post! Great things to think about.
-CK
CK,
I appreciate your input. Your comment about ‘eat myself up about it’ is very honest. I would imagine there are many of us who have done the same thing.
As for people making goals for us or vice versa, it goes on all the time.
PV Lundquist made a good point, “If someone were to tell me all I had to do is THIS, and then THATed me, I would feel manipulated”.
It’s not only happened to me…I’ve done it to others.
I think this is very important. Thanks a lot.